Today was a good and bad day. I did not do any productive studying besides tuition. I slept for sososo long in gp. I think I'm sleeping so openly lately. Hai. I followed A to shop before tuition too. I wanted to shop but I know my mum will know that I didn't study and she may jump to conclusions. I really don't want that again. I ddnt. Anyway, I'm using like more than twice my allowance a week lately. ):

There are times in my life when I feel so contented. I feel as if everything is alright. I feel invigorated with how I've opened up. I feel like the people around me genuinely care about me and I do feel the same for them.

And there are also times in my life when I feel so frustrated. At people who should speak their minds and keep holding things back. At myself for not having the courage to confront them. At my level of determination for my studies, its really pathetic now. At how I still take shit even if it fucking hurts.

But no matter what, there's always the fear. The sudden realisation I'm not young anymore. The fact that I probably cant wear capalang clothes and go out. The fact that I cant be childish and act like a child. The fact that I may not be able to handle A's. The fact that the real world is is coming at us and what we've gone through has been just a guarded environment. The fact that all my joys may disappear and dissolve. The fact that people are changing. The fact that I have changed. The fact that I may possibly be becoming a worse person with everything going.

Please transport me back to P6 where i never studied and cared so little but yet alot.

But I'm sorry, I can't change myself to make myself suit your wants no matter how much people love it. I can't be the hypocritical or fake.